There seems to be some quibbling in the church these days about empathy. Quibbling. In the church - that never happens... (Oh wait, we're professionals at it, aren't we?) "Empathy is a sin," some say. Others uphold it as a supreme virtue. So virtue or vice - which is it? And why can't the church agree on the way in which we interact with a fellow human's experience?

Experience and the emotions surrounding it are intensely personal. Our stories are completely composed of these components: take a portion of them away, and our story fades away. Cut away enough pieces, and we can experience disorientation, anxiety, and even dissociate from a firm grasp of reality.

We will fight against the loss of our story. Example: most of us will get angry when people put words in our mouths. We don't just stoically deny the words - we'll feel hot under the collar, the anger burning through our eyes. If we have a strong voice, we'll tell these people where they get off and make it known that their activity is not welcome with us. Our words are ours, and ours alone - no one gets to speak for us.

Beyond what comes out of us, though, we have those who would tell us what we should and should not feel. This goes beyond regulation of action and word. Such teaching reaches into the core of our being and either makes us glad we passed the test, or shames us horribly for the basic ways we interact with the world.

Then go a layer deeper, and we'll find those who claim the prerogative to police reactions - that is, our most visceral response to things that happen to and around us. At this level, we're not just dealing with the policy of sin management, even though that's how it's often presented. We hear it as, "We need to deal with sin wherever it is found. If our actions, we must stop our feelings. If our reactions, we must learn to control those too." No, at this level, in our brains, we are closest in the neural networks to our wounds. Quite often, our reactions come from previous experience.

When we get brave, and we approach such ministers for counsel, they'll tell us how we should feel, and they'll often give us verses to support that. But here's the thing: they are assuming an ideal world where everyone has the agency to change how they feel about things and react to experiences. In any church, there are those who have a measure of that capability and those who don't. You can guess which usually find themselves in a position to need counsel. Even those of us who can regulate a certain amount of visceral reaction or feelings may not always be effective in doing so.

In order to be effective (because that above approach is not), these ministers need to learn how to gently guide someone from where they are, to the next step. Not all the way at once, but just that next step. And to do that, the minister needs to develop what most of us refer to as empathy - that is, the ability to feel what someone else feels. We have to learn to anticipate how our words and actions will make people feel.

We cannot, and should not, assume a level of mental or spiritual health in any situation - we have to ask questions and seek out. And when we speak, it ought to be humble, knowing we may have missed something quite obvious to those who hear us. And knowing that people have trusted us, and that our words and actions may yet activate some deeply-set patterns.

So what do they have against empathy? Well, the fear is real for them - they don't want to validate certain thoughts, feelings, etc. They're not comfortable allowing experiences of anger, or reactions to trauma, or types of orientations. In other words, for them, validating these things is giving themselves over completely and being ruled by them. But to assuage that fear, they end up crossing some serious boundaries of both the spirit and the psyche, leaving people with a sense that their experience is illegitimate.

We need to have space in ministry for acknowledging that yes, something is someone's experience without immediately jumping to the no. Slow down, and actually minister to the person. Try some therapeutic approaches before jumping straight to surgery.

Now, please understand, it's not healthy for persons, society, or the church to assume that everyone has a perfect grasp on their own experience. But that in itself is no license to run into someone's soul like a bull in a china shop and start smashing what you find. There is no authority given to us in scripture to tell people that their feelings are not real.

Our example out to be Jesus. Jesus is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his nature. He upholds all things by the word of his power. And yet he took on complete human experience - weakness, vulnerability, and temptation included. He is able to completely contain our experience - if we are in Christ, our entire story is bound up with the cross.

Perhaps we have things in our story that we ought to react differently to. Perhaps we need more information, or a healthier psyche, or more life experience. We may have feelings that we are allowing to cause us to sin. A minister in care of our souls can (and should) empathically learn the state of our souls and gently guide us.

References:

"empathy" by Sean MacEntee is licensed under CC BY 2.0